Confidence

People see you as a go-getter,
Someone who must have oodles of confidence to do what you do.
No one knows you feel this way,
No one knows how small you feel inside.
No one knows you don’t believe in yourself – except YOU.
You’ve always been there,
But hiding in the shadows,
Afraid to come out.
Worn down, injured and scarred by dirty seeds of jealousy, hurt and resentment,
Which were thrown at younger (vulnerable and pure) YOU like weapons.
You can’t remember a time when you believed in yourself.
You chipped away at YOU.
You let YOU slip away,
Until there seemed to be nothing but darkness.
Hollow and cold,
Lonely and lifeless,
No faith and no belief,
In your darkness you despair:
Why am I not enough for other people?
Why does no one value me?
Endlessly and relentlessly trying to prove yourself to people,
Hiding skilfully from the dread of being found out.
It’s hard to admit, but part of you believes that ultimately:
You’re not good enough. You’re not perfect enough. You’re not enough of anything.
Not enough to be loved.
Not enough to be paid well.
No enough to be respected.
Not enough to be nice to yourself.
Not enough to be happy.
Not enough to be health.
Not enough to have friends.
But you are enough.
And something is shifting,
Those scars from your younger years are starting to fade, the pain is starting to heal.
The truth is, it’s all got to come crashing down before you can start to Rise.
You’ve got to face your darkness before you can find your (new and truer) light.
You’ve got to weed out the seeds that took hold and started to grow, 
They’ve been embedded for far too long.
It’s time for you to know your worth and have faith.
It’s time for you to see yourself as everyone else sees you.
It’s time to forgive yourself.
It’s time for you to sit with your worth and b-r-e-a-k  i-t  d-o-w-n
Unravel and go deep.
Each and every inch of you is worthy.
You are a work of art.
A human and a divine master piece.
~~
2018 has been a huge lesson in FAITH and CONFIDENCE for me.
I went from:
“Shit, someone just bought something from me/invested in me, what if they think it’s shit? What if they think I’m shit? What will they say about me? Shit. Let’s hide, lets pretend it didn’t even happen…Don’t celebrate, don’t champion yourself – you’ll get found out.”
To:
“OMG amazing! Someone just bought something from me/invested in me, I’m so excited for them to recieve what I have to offer, I’m confident that they will benefit from my work, whatever that looks like for them!” (momentarily shitting myself, but then realigning with my truth and being diligent with my thoughts!)
Written in words here, it seems almost insignificant, but as a feeling:
OhhhMyyyyyGaaawwwddd!!! It feels totally liberating and life changing!
I can’t pin point when or why this shift occurred (or even explain why it took me so long) but I know it was a combination of intentions and investment:
Setting intentions and declaring I wanted to change my life: I could see a light ahead of me, and I had a longing to get to the light – but all these rocks and heavy boulders were in my way – I realised I couldn’t get to the light if I didn’t break these boulders down first.
It took time, it took effort, it took investment, it took sweat, it took tears. It was dark and lonely and uncomfortable, making my way through this tunnel.
So many signs came:  “No one will believe in you until you believe in yourself”.
It was always going to be an inside job. So I set to work – I knew I had to build myself up from the inside, piece by piece.
Taking a look at all my scars, my beliefs and being brutally honest, leaving no stone left unturned, leaving no boulder left whole.
I never gave up on my quest to overcome my biggest fear: that I wasn’t good enough.
I’m pretty sure there will be another tunnel to move through in the future, but for me and my confidence and where I’m supposed to be NOW, I got there, I made it. I can finally feel confident in my choices, my creations, my Self. 
I invite you to inquire within; what boulders are blocking your passage to get to your light? Do you lack confidence in yourSelf too? If you could take one step today, take one action towards finding your confidence and faith – what would it be?
Know that you’re supported in all that you do and loved beyond measure.

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