Being Human – Part 1

My first taste of spirituality and the concept of duality: ego vs higher self, was through Susan Jeffers amazing book “Feel the fear and do it anyway”,  a book about affirmations and how the act of changing your thoughts can change your life.

Many revelations unfolded from this book; I finally learned how to stop my negative chatter and free myself from (some of) the restraints my thoughts had placed upon me all these years.

It  wasn’t a magic wand, sure it changed many aspects of my life, but it did lead me to  find a scapegoat for all the wrong doings, misdemeanours and failings of my life up to that point: My Ego.

My ego got all the blame, my ego was an easy target and took years and years of verbal beatings and neglect, my human body got the same experience; neglect, verbal abuse.

It was easy and obvious for me to do so, because as far as my understanding had led me to believe, the ego was this ‘bad thing’ stopping me from achieving my goals and my dreams – limiting my life at all turns – keeping me safe. I thought badly of my body – as it was the “home” of my ego too.

The human part of me and the human part of all of humanity, was to blame for our failings and all of our “bad” behaviour/thoughts/beliefs/actions.

It was the reason I wasn’t “doing better” – finding myself often saying: “Oh its my ego getting in the way again. Stupid ego!”

My ego, and everyones, were the bad guys, “If only my husbands ego would go away, he would be so much happier and we could create the life of our dreams, manifest together and do vision boards on New years eve!” (there is nothing wrong with doing this, but at the time, I was aspiring for a life where my husband wasn’t his true human self – and that, I hope you will discover, is the total opposite of what we hold potential for).

I continued this way of thinking for 4 or 5 really confusing years, until one day my mentor, Madeline Giles, got me to think differently about my ego.

Madeline: “ What does your ego need Kathy?”

My Thought: “My ego NEED? It needs to shut the F up and go away! But I don’t think thats what Madeline means….” 

My reply: “Ummmm I’m really not sure, its very demanding of me and is very noisy…”

Madeline: “Your ego is part of your human self Kathy, you are human – what needs acknowledging? What is it shouting out for?”

My thought: I had no idea – but seen as my ego voice was so loud, my physical body was in pain and my human mind was in turmoil, I guessed it wanted some attention.

After this conversation things started to shift, but it took a long time for me to accept that my ego, my human self, needed or indeed, deserved my attention.

My spiritual interests often made me feel euphoric – supernatural. But as dreamy and “lightworkery” as this path was, it became increasingly uncomfortable and harder to walk.

I felt unable to connect to my loved ones, friends, family and even pets.

I struggled, because I understood the concept of “oneness”, but I couldn’t embody this spiritual knowingness and I couldn’t connect to anyone or anything around me.

I remember thinking: “I’m awake and know such much {spiritual stuff}, my human self (ego) is not the place to be – I just don’t get it.”

For a long while I stayed in this place of limbo – I didn’t know where to be – being human was boring, hard and painful, because it lacked the euphoria of divine connection, but being spiritual felt lonely and and isolating because I couldn’t embody what I knew and felt disconnected from the humans around me and my own human life/body.

So I hung out in my head – turing my back on my ego, my body, my spirituality and my higher self – it wasn’t boring or lonely there. It was loud and exciting. I could conjure up wild and elaborate scenarios and criticise myself and judge others and compare myself and… oh it was awful!

I ended up anxious, almost friendless, lost and as lonely as I could possibly be. I wondered how I got here; an in-depth but un-used spiritual awareness, and my complete inability to connect to my human self.

It was torture.

I still struggled with seeing the value of hearing, acknowledging and honouring my humaness, because my spiritual learning of a few years previous, had embedded in me that my ego was bad.

I just didn’t see or value the huamaness of us all; the beauty, the intelligence of the human ego.

My body was screaming in pain – quite literally. One morning I woke with the most awful neck pain. I couldn’t move my neck and it made me feel sick to my stomach for my neck to be bearing the weight of my head. I couldn’t sleep, painkillers wouldn’t even touch it. it was pure agony.

This lasted 5 weeks before I broke, cracked open and gave in. I opened up my journal and asked what this pain wanted to say – something Madeline had asked me to do but I had resisted!

“Why do I have this pain in my neck? What is needing to be acknowledged?”

Ego; “Im here being really loud and you’re ignoring me. I want looking after and caring for. I want you in your body. I want you to stop ignoring me. How long can this go on for? Why don’t you make yourself more of a priority? You are not putting yourself first and it sucks.”

This sounds like me ego – I wrote back, just as Madleine had suggested.

KP: “Hello ego, I hear you. Thank you for being here with me and wanting to speak. Im sorry you have felt ignored. I acknowledge you and I hear you. I promise I can take better care of you.

Is there anything else I can do?”

Ego: “Salt baths, yoga, stretching, and walking.”

KP: “OK I will do that, is there anything else?”

Ego: “You don’t listen to me.”

KP: “I’m sorry you feel like that. I acknowledge you as an important part of myself. Without you I wouldn’t be here. Thank you – for keeping me safe and being part of my amazing human experience.”

I was trying to accept the human aspect of me. The primal, safety-seeking human I was, I am.

It was tough. But I did it.

We continued communicating and I made my first steps towards accepting my human ego, the part of me that I’d banished to the depths because I thought to be “spiritual” I had to eliminate my ego voice.

I was missing the point.

I am human, I am also a spark of light. I am both.

Then the floodgates opened. My creativity came flooding in. The part of me I’d missed so much. I grabbed paper and a pen and started writing. In one morning I had written more in one go than I had written in the last 8 months and I loved it.

I shifted. I was both. I had to acknowledge both.

The idea was born that morning. It started off as little love notes about being human and how amazing it was – until a collection of them were formed.

This is my reminder to always remember the beauty of being human and it serves to ground me into my body and my experience on earth, as an otherworldly being having a planet earthly being experience. It made me fully appreciate and acknowledge my intricate, complex, yet earth shatteringly amazing human self.

To my Ego – I see you, I hear you, I love you.

Thank you for keeping me safe, without you I wouldn’t be here experiencing all this. Thank you for teaching me about fear and duality and having a voice! You make me smile with your endless chit chat and wild fantasies of what could go wrong! Most of all, than you for being here and allowing me to experience BEING HUAMN.

So at this point did I not only did I give my ego a voice, but I started to value my human experiences and emotions. I started to value and honour my body, my creative urges and my spiritual connection as EQUAL.

I stated to value it all.

Accepting it all.

Allowing it all.

BEing it all.

Loving it all.

Not judging any of it.

Accepting and embracing the day – whatever was present.

Taking my human life and my time here on earth day-by-day. Minute-by-minute.

Experience – by – experience.

Meeting each spiritual or human moment exactly where it was. And being OK with it.

These words aren’t just for Spiritual types either – although I imagine it will attract Spiritual types at first.

They’re a celebration of being human.

They’re for each and every human who has somehow disconnected from their humanness.

We are all the same.

We are all one.

I can see that now.

I hope in time you can grow to see this too.

Up Next: Connection.

Leave a Reply